Words from the Past
by tsay cresant
Summary: Years after the war, Kakashi has made a comfortable life for himself, but it's now time for his growing family to move into his childhood home. While preparing this home for his family, he discovers a mysterious trunk, filled with stories from the past that he's never heard before. Travel with him through the story of his parents, told in their own words, through their journals.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Kakashi was awoken by a missing presence next to him, the warmth of his wife gone from her being up before him. Why would she be up so early?

"Are you going to get up Daddy?" seven year old Kohaku Sarutobi asked her step-father as she pulled on his pajama sleeve.

"In a minute Kohaku… where's your mother?" he asked tiredly as he pulled himself up from bed to face his step-daughter. She was a gleaming image of Asuma, with her dark hair, amber eyes, and tan skin. Her face and her smile were the only part of her that reflected her mother.

"Packing! Remember Daddy, we're moving today," she said matter-of-factly. Kakashi felt his blood run cold as he realized that he had completely forgot. When he and Kurenai had gotten married a few years ago, they had moved into a bigger apartment, but now that she was pregnant, they had to move again. Deciding that there wouldn't be an apartment big enough to handle their family, especially if they had another kid after this one, they were moving into Kakashi's family's old house.

"Ooooh! Mama was right! You forgot!" Kohaku said in a sing-song voice as she skipped out of the bedroom singing "dadddyyy forgootttt!"

It wasn't just packing that he had forgot. He had forgotten to clean out his old house as well. The last thing he wanted to do was tell hormonal Kurenai that, so he threw on his shinobi uniform and took the bedroom window out of the house. How long could it possibly take for him to clean out a house?

"Kakashi?" Kurenai called as she opened the bedroom door, only to see the window hanging open and his pajamas tossed carelessly into the hamper. Kurenai just rolled her eyes, turning to Kohaku who was standing in the doorway. "Looks like we'd better help your dad clean out the house."

Kurenai actually wasn't mad at him. All she could think about was Kakashi alone in that house, the house his father had killed himself in. She knew from the beginning that he had reservations about moving in there, but she was able to convince him by explaining renovations they could do to his parents' old bedroom.

"I warned him that he should've had Guy help him with the house. He's so forgetful," she muttered to herself as she walked through the streets of Konoha with Kohaku at her side. Minus this slight irritation, Kurenai couldn't be happier. The village had completely recovered from the war, with Naruto's leadership as the youngest Hokage the Leaf Village had ever seen. During the reconstruction years, she had become very close to Kakashi, leading eventually to their marriage. He has been as much of a father as he could to Kohaku, but not out of the obligation of her being one of his friend's children. He truly loved her as if she was his own daughter. Now they had their own child on the way, which was exciting for all three of them, but it would definitely take some adjusting.

"Mama, you aren't mad at Daddy, are you?" Kohaku asked as they approached the house.

"No, why would you think that?" she asked.

"You've been really quiet. That's all," she said as she walked up the front porch stairs and into the house with her mother, where Kakashi was frantically packing things away into boxes.

"I was just thinking Sweetie," she answered, catching Kakashi's attention by hearing her voice.

"Oh… Hi Kurenai…" Kakashi said carefully as he dropped a box he'd been carrying.

"Need some help?" she asked with a laugh. He smiled sheepishly, nodding with defeat. "Alright. Where do we start?"

It took them all day to empty and clean every room in the house except for Kakashi's parents' room and the attic. By the time night had come around, Kohaku went to sleep back at the apartment because she had school the next day while Kakashi and Kurenai made trips between the apartment and the new house to get some of their smaller possessions moved.

"Last ones for the night," Kurenai said with a satisfied smile as she put one of Kohaku's boxes into Kakashi's old bedroom, but no one was nearby to hear it. "Kakashi?"

She looked out of the bedroom and into the hallway, seeing the door to the attic hanging open. Carefully, she climbed up the steep, poorly lit stairs and into the large attic.

"Look at this," he said with wonder as he pulled a few old looking trunks out from a hidden door within the attic. "They're locked though…. There has to be a key somewhere."

"You don't know what's in there!" Kurenai warned as he hurried down the stairs. "Kakashi! What if you find something you don't want to see?"

"You worry too much," he called from downstairs as he searched his house for a key. There was only one room he hadn't checked, but his curiosity pushed his away from his reservations about the room and led to him hurrying into his father's bedroom.

"If I was my father, where would I put a key?" he asked as he rummaged through his father's dresser, only to find nothing of interest. His next thought was the nightstand, but it also was locked and he had no intentions of searching for another key in order to find the key he was looking for.

A book on his father's bookshelf caught the shinobi's eye; _The Encyclopedia of Shinobi Weapons and Devices_. He pulled it off of the shelf and opened it, only to find that the book was hollowed out with a key sitting inside of it. First he checked the night stand, only to find that it wasn't that key, so it had to be for the trunks.

"You can go home if you want," Kakashi said when he made it back up into the attic, where Kurenai had made herself a little bed out of a blanket she must've found inside a box.

"I need your help getting down the stairs. They're too steep," she answered tiredly as she pulled the chocolate brown blanket tighter around herself.

"Okay, let me just see what's inside one of these tonight, and then we can go home," Kakashi promised as he slid the cool brass key into the old lock. With much reluctance, the key turned and the trunk was unlocked. Filled with anticipation, Kakashi lifted the top of the trunk up and found a bunch of musty old books.

"Oh…" he said with disappointment as he pulled a red leather-bound book off of the top of the pile. "They're just books."

"What were you expecting? Buried treasure?" Kurenai joked as Kakashi opened the one in his hands. Rather than seeing cold printed words, he stared at cursive writing that was unfamiliar to him…

"No… these aren't books… They're journals," he said aloud as he grabbed several of them and began to flipped through them. Some of them were in the unfamiliar cursive while others were in the sloppy hand writing that he recognized, his father's… "Some of them are my father's…. which means that these other ones must be my mother's."

Kurenai lifted her head with interested and crawled over on her knees towards Kakashi.

"They must've been big into recording things," she thought aloud as she stared at the piles of books inside the trunk. "It'd take years to read all of these."

"Maybe for someone who doesn't read much," he said with a smile. "But for me, it won't even take half as long."


	2. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: In case anyone is wondering, I will not be covering every single topic in that giant stack of journals (that would take forever). So, you'll see in this chapter how it'll be set up. Written things (journals, letters, etc) will be in italics. Thank you for all of the support (reviews, alerts, favorites, or just reading!) and enjoy. **

* * *

A week had passed since Kakashi had opened the trunk in the attic, and he still hadn't had the chance to read any of the journals. Between getting the house ready and getting ready for the new baby, he'd been extremely busy, but he knew today would be perfect. Kurenai was going to spend time with her mother, Kohaku had class, and he had the day off. The house would be his.

But where to start? This was the question that bothered him as he stared at the overwhelmingly large stack. He decided on a worn, dark green leather-bound journal that turned out to be his father's. It looked relatively thin compared to the rest of them, so he figured that it would be a good place to start.

Kakashi crept down from the attic, looking around the house carefully before proceeding into the almost empty living room. He didn't see anyone who would stop him from reading, so he hurried into the bare room, found a seat on the floor, and opened the journal.

* * *

_Sakumo's Green Journal._

_Age 20_

_Location: Small Village within the Fire Country_

_January 12_

_Dear Whoever Is Reading This,_

_Today is one of those days where I ask myself "why the hell did I become a shinobi?" Jiraiya and I have been assigned a mission to help repair a village that was completely destroyed by a group of rogue ninja who, it is believed, had been searching for supplies. I'm not one to complain about a situation, but it is absolutely freezing outside, the ground is covered in snow which is making creating and sustaining a fire near impossible, and the people here are far from friendly._

_Never in my life have I been welcomed into a village that I'm here to help with a sword being held to my neck. As soon as we walked into the village, this girl, well I guess she'd be a woman wouldn't she? Anyways, she charged towards us, held her sword to my neck and demanded to know why we were there. I told her to calm down, but she just told me I was patronizing her. Jiraiya was no help and just stood there laughing. It wasn't until another member of the militia showed up and explained to her that we were here to help them reconstruct their village that she finally took her sword from my neck. I guess sometimes there's no reasoning with people, especially after their village has been destroyed._

_We're staying with the militia in their small campsite now, since the house they lived in together was destroyed along with the village. Besides that woman, everyone has been much friendlier. The leader of the group, Jun, seems to be the most calm about the situation and probably the most optimistic. Even with the optimism and hope that I see, this won't be easy, not in the snow like this. For now, we'll just have to see what happens._

_Sakumo._

_January 18_

_Dear Whoever Is Reading This,_

_Days of backbreaking labor and still the village looks bad. Everyday we find a body, either crushed by a building or killed by one of the rogue ninja and then buried in the snow. Finding nameless bodies is still hard, especially today when we found Shinju's parents and little sister. I can't help but forgive her for attacking me now. It's hard to be mad at someone once you've seen them burst into tears._

_That halted her work for the day, but we continued. At this point, we've cleared 4 ruined areas, but there are still so many more, not to mention rebuilding. With all of this snow, everything is much more complicated, but Jun doesn't want us to send for more shinobi to come help. The town is still on high alert about shinobi being nearby._

_Sakumo_

_January 21_

_Dear Whoever Is Reading This,_

_Today we're taking a break from all of the work, mostly because a lot of people are starting to get frost bite from the cold and need some time to tend to their wounds, so I had the opportunity of meeting more of the militia, and getting to know them a little better. They remind me a lot of a shinobi team, in the sense that they're all very close. So for when I'm old and want to reread this journal, I'm going to describe all of them._

_Jun is the leader I mentioned before. He reminds me of Jiraiya's little student Minato because of his unyielding optimism. I can see how spending a little too much time with him would be very annoying, but in such a gloom-filled mission as this, his optimism is appreciated. He's a really average person with no real defining features, but in case I ever forget what he looks like, he has red hair and brown eyes._

_Kin is the combat specialist of the group. He, apparently, was the one who taught all of them hand-to-hand combat, and he most definitely won't let any of them forget it. He seems extraordinarily arrogant to me, and is constantly holding the favor of teaching them to fight over everyone's heads, even Jun's. Kin has bright yellow hair that he keeps back in a pony tail and dark blue eyes._

_Takara, I thought at first was just the wife or girlfriend of one of them, since she hasn't helped very much with repairing the village, but I found out today that she's the medic. She seems very nice, but a little too frail to be in a militia._

_That woman who tried to kill me, Shinju, she's the weapon's specialist. She wields this huge sword that looks as though one of the legendary swordsmen wielded it, but it doesn't really look awkward in any way. She just has an aura of confidence, and it really isn't like she's a small woman either. She's built sturdy, like she was made to fight. Other than that, she seems cold, but that could be just how she's handling the situation. Oddly enough, she has white hair too, only hers has more of a blue tint to it, making it look like blue in the snow, and she has light blue eyes._

_The last member of the group is the ninjutsu/genjutsu "expert" Mamoru. I'll give him credit for having some knowledge of chakra even though he isn't a shinobi, but calling himself an expert is far from reality. Sometimes he says things to his group when trying to explain chakra that not only are completely incorrect, but barely make any sense. He isn't arrogant about it though. If anything, it seems as though he's trying to impress them. Maybe he's new to the group. As for looks, he has brown hair and black eyes._

_The fire is dying down and it's getting late, so that's all for tonight._

_Sakumo_

_January 30_

_Dear Whoever Is Reading This,_

_Today is the day that it was projected that we would be able to leave, and we aren't even close to finishing. Townspeople are dying left and right from not having supplies and being too cold. Even with Takara tending to people, it's getting bad. Jun is trying to convince the head of the town to take the people who aren't helping with reconstruction to a nearby town and have them all stay there, but he refuses because "we've always stayed here, so we will continue to stay here until construction is complete". Shinju got in a screaming match with him, telling him that he was sentencing his village to death by saying that. I can't help but agree with her._

_On the bright side, we're no longer finding dead bodies and most of the cleanup has been completed. The hardest part will be construction, especially with the weather, but with Jun's optimism and Kin's arrogance, I'm sure we'll have enough power to get through it._

_Sakumo._

_February 4_

_Dear Whoever Is Reading This,_

_The leader of the town died today. Jun now is taking over and leading the townspeople who are left to a nearby village to stay until we finish construction. Since he took Kin and Takara with him, we were short on people and not able to get much done today._

_I need to sleep. I'm exhausted._

_Sakumo._

Kakashi went to turn the page to the next entry, only to have a piece of paper fall from the journal and hit his leg. At first he panicked, thinking that one of the pages of the journal had fallen out, but once he picked it up, he realized it was a letter.

_Dear Sakumo,_

_I hope I spelled your name right. If not, woops. I'm not very good with words or anything like that really, but I feel as though I should apologize for almost killing you when you first came into town. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for myself, but I was sick with worry about my family and that put me on edge. I don't think I would've did that if I had been of sound mind at the moment, but yeah, I don't think we'll ever know that obviously because we can't go back in time or anything._

_Yeah, so I'm sorry. But you've turned out to be a pretty cool guy. Do you realize that you glare at Kin a lot? I don't think you do, because you seem almost overly polite, but you do a lot. Takara and I always get a big kick out of it. I don't think he realizes that you could probably kick his ass in a fight._

_I noticed that you write in a journal a lot. I wish I still had my journal, but it got destroyed along with my house. I've always thought that journals are important, so that we can remember the past. I guess I'm just sad that I won't be able to have that with my life with my family. Wait, why am I telling you this? I'm sorry. I wish I could erase that, but this is in pen. I guess I could scribble it out, but it's too late now, I've talked about it too much. You can disregard that._

_I hate to ask this, but are you like the babysitter for Jiraiya? Because, he seems a little irresponsible to me for a shinobi. Did you hear what he said to Takara? Hell, did you hear what he said to me!? Never mind, you probably don't want to know, and I'm sure as hell not writing it down on a piece of paper._

_Wow, I've rambled a lot. This apology has turned into a big jumble of thoughts… so yeah, I'm sorry…. I don't know how to end this letter, so I'm just going end it now._

_Sincerely,_

_Shinju._

Carefully, Kakashi slipped the letter back into its place in the journal and read on.

_February 6_

_Dear Whoever Is Reading This,_

_It's been two days and Jun and the others still haven't returned. Shinju, Jiraiya, Momoru and I have done a lot of work since then, constructing some foundations to new buildings, but the progress has been slowed extremely by their absence. With all of the villagers gone, we lost all of the villagers who had been helping us, but their health was decaying, so it's probably a good thing they left._

_I'm trying to write as small of entries as I can, since I don't know how much longer I will be here and I gave my extra journal to Shinju, since she lost hers in her house._

_Sakumo._

Kakashi turned the page to read on, but then noticed that the date was in late April. For some reason, his father hadn't written for a month and when he had started writing again it sounded like he was leaving the village. Why wouldn't he have kept writing about what happened? Irritated, Kakashi abandoned the journal and went upstairs to find another one. Knowing he only had about two hours before he had to pick up Kohaku from school, he chose another thin one that was very similar, only blue instead of green. Much to his surprise, it was his mother's.

_Shinju's Blue Journal_

_Age 19_

_Location: Home Village_

_February 5_

_Dear Journal,_

_A lot has happened since I've been able to write in a journal, but luckily this nice shinobi guy named Sakumo gave me one of his, so I can write again. Mother, father, and Ayame all died…. Jun said that they were probably crushed by the house, and that it would've probably been instant…. But I find it hard to believe being crushed by a house wouldn't be painful. I really miss them right now, but I can't afford to think too much about it. If I do, I feel like I'll just curl up in the snow and let myself die._

_Reconstruction of the town has been a slow and painful process, especially with watching so many people die, but now that the villagers are off finding lodging, once Jun, Takara, and Kin get back, I feel like we'll be able to get a lot of work done. I've got to go find fire wood with Sakumo now. I'll write more tomorrow._

_Shinju._

Kakashi couldn't help but actually laugh out loud when he realized the crazy sword woman who tried to kill his father turned out to be his mother.

_February 6_

_Dear Journal,_

_So much has happened in one day. Remember how Sakumo and I went to go get firewood? Yeah, well, we were up in the mountain looking for trees and wood, and there was an avalanche. I'm not even kidding. I got completely buried in the snow, but Sakumo used a fire jutsu and helped me out. I didn't think he was going to come back for me, so it was really surprising when he did. I wanted to write about this last night, but I was so cold and snow covered that I couldn't even hold my hand straight._

_Sakumo hasn't looked very good since then. He's hunched over near the fire now with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, shaking like crazy. I offered him my blankets, but he turned them down. Poor guy. I wish I could do something to pay him back for saving my life._

_Shinju_

_February 8_

_Dear Journal,_

_Jun still isn't back and Sakumo is getting worse. He keeps insisting that he's fine, but he can barely hold anything straight without shaking. We did as much work as we could do today, but that isn't much. I'm really worried about Jun and the others. I hope they're okay._

_Shinju_

_February 9_

_Dear Journal,_

_We've come to the conclusion that it's pointless for us to continue construction without Jun here. Sakumo is sick, even though he doesn't want to admit it, and everyone else is on their way there. The best thing for us to do is wait until Takara is back and hopefully she has some crazy remedy to help us out._

_I think I must look like Sakumo did the day we came back from the mountains, because Jiraiya keeps asking me if I want to share body heat with him. Either that or he really wants to get in my pants. Either way, I'm most definitely not interested._

_However, I am most definitely interested in sharing body heat with Sakumo…. But, I'm just going to keep that thought to myself._

_Shinju._

_February 14_

_Dear Journal_

_We are all sick. Jun still isn't back. None of us are well enough to go get firewood, so we've been burning blank pages of our journals._

_Shinju._

_February 18_

_Dear Journal_

_Jun and everyone came back yesterday, and Takara has definitely had her hands full with us. Luckily the snow should start melting soon, hopefully. Jun and Kin have started to work on reconstruction again, while all of us are pretty useless._

_Shinju._

_March 15_

_Dear Journal_

_I feel horrible for neglecting you! We finally have gotten a lot of the basic construction done and are inching closer to Sakumo and Jiraiya's departure. I feel like I shouldn't be as sad about this as I actually am. Hopefully I won't neglect you too much more. Sakumo's calling for me, so maybe I'll write later._

_Shinju._

_April 10_

_Dear Journal_

_I'm such a bad journal writer. The village has been completely reconstructed, and Jun has started the trek back to the closest village to get whatever villagers want to come back. Sakumo and Jiraiya are staying for their last night with us in our house, and its pretty fun. So far there has been quite a bit of drinking, a lot of cards, some chess (Sakumo kicked Kin's ass. It was amazing), and so much good food from Takara. It's one of those nights that I wish would never end._

_As sad as I am to see Sakumo and Jiraiya go, they both said they'd try to keep in touch. I can only hope it works._

_Shinju._

* * *

"Daddy, are you home?" Kohaku called as she swung open the door. Kakashi jumped with surprise as he closed the journal and looked up to his step-daughter.

"Yes, sorry, I was preoccupied," he said sheepishly, embarrassed that he'd forgot to pick her up from class.

"It's fine Daddy. I don't get why Mama doesn't just let me walk home," Kohaku said with a shrug as she put her book bag in her bedroom. Kakashi took this time to readjust his eyes since he'd been reading for so long and to get up off the floor at an embarrassingly slow rate.

"I don't like getting old," he said to himself as he finally pulled himself off the floor. "Kohaku, what do you say to going out for ramen tonight? Your mom probably won't be home until late anyways."

"Sounds good! Do you think we'll see Naruto there?" she asked excitedly. Even though she trained with Shikamaru, on many occasions she'd worked with Naruto as well. That is, until he became extremely busy.

"Probably not. He's busy with Hokage related duties," Kakashi answered as he reached into his pockets to see how much money he had on him… Well, it'd be enough for dinner at least. Hopefully some ramen will distract Kohaku enough to let her magically forget that he forgot to pick her up, so that she doesn't tell Kurenai. Knowing his own luck, Kakashi figured that probably wouldn't be the case.


	3. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. Life got extremely busy. Thank you for all of the forms of support (subscribing, commenting, favoriting, or just reading). I have a few chapters that will hopefully be coming your way soon. Enjoy : )**

* * *

Chapter 2

One of the roughest parts of being a shinobi, physically, was waking up after working like a dog. For the past month, Kakashi had barely even been home because he had been working so much. Even today, he had only come home about four hours ago, but being a father usually meant you didn't sleep as much as you'd like.

"When's Daddy getting up?" Kohaku asked loudly from the main room of the house. "We're supposed to paint my room today!"

"He's really tired Sweetie, so you'll have to wait," Kurenai said calmly as she made Kohaku breakfast. Before Kohaku had time to accept having to wait longer, Kakashi came crawling out of bed and stumbling into the kitchen.

"Daddy!" Kohaku said excitedly, hugging his leg as he steadily made his way over to the table. "I'm so excited to paint today! Me and Mama got the colors and everything while you were working, so we can start right after breakfast!"

"Okay," he said tiredly as he blinked himself awake.

"Daddy, I have so many ideas!" she said dramatically as she ran to her room to grab her ideas to show Kakashi. Kurenai walked over to Kakashi and wrapped her arms around him, letting him tiredly lean his head on her shoulder.

"It's sweet that you're doing this for Kohaku, but you need to sleep," she whispered. "If you want to go back to bed, I'll distract her for a few hours."

"That's okay. After we paint, I'll sleep," Kakashi mumbled. His body protested at the idea of moving, with his joints being so sore and his head pounding. Kurenai kissed his cheek and then went back to making breakfast.

"So, here's what I want to do with my room," Kohaku said as she handed Kakashi a piece of paper. "See how I want to paint flowers and butterflies on top of the green?"

"Mmhmm," he mumbled with his eyes closed, knowing that she wasn't really looking at him.

"Kohaku, maybe you should practice painting flowers and butterflies on paper for a little bit before painting your walls," Kurenai said with a smile. "I think there is some paper in the attic."

"Okay!" Kohaku said excitedly as she ran from her spot in the kitchen and up to the attic.

"Now's your chance," Kurenai whispered. "Go to bed. I'll distract her."

"You're the best," Kakashi said tiredly as he made his way to the bedroom, locking the door behind him and collapsing into an exhaustion induced slumber.

He woke up several hours later to an eerie silence in the house. Being a shinobi, his mind instantly went to the worst possible situation and he ran into the main room of the house, only to see Kurenai and Kohaku sitting there as if they did something wrong.

"What happened?" he asked with concern. "Is everything okay?"

"I'm sorry Daddy," was all Kohaku said as she handed Kakashi one of his father's journals, now covered in flowers and butterflies on the inside. Obviously, it irritated him that she drew all over his father's things, but he wasn't going to be mad at her.

"It's alright. Just don't go through my books again," he said as his eyes scanned the book.

"It's time for bed anyways Kohaku," Kurenai said as she took the little girl's hand and led her towards the bathroom. "Let's get you ready."

As they walked out, Kakashi took a seat in the kitchen again, opening the book up. After working so much for so long, he deserved a little break, and maybe this journal could give him that.

* * *

_Sakumo's Black Journal_

_Age 25_

_Location: Konoha_

_January 1_

_Dear Whoever Is Reading This,_  
_I don't think I've really been this excited about having some time off, but I am. Shinju is coming back into town, and well, I think I'm going to do it. I've been thinking about it for a long time now, but I think I've come to a decision. I'd like to marry her, if she feels the same that is. She can be so hard to read sometimes that even though I've known her for years and have been dating her for a little over 3 years, I still have no idea how she'll respond._  
_I talked to my father about my decision, and he wasn't as happy about it as I had hoped. He and Mother both still want me to be with Akari, which I can't even imagine because she's much more of a friend to me than anything like that. Even though he wasn't happy, he said that he wanted himself and Mother to meet Shinju before proceeding. I guess we'll see what happens._

_Sakumo_

_January 3_

_Dear Whoever Is Reading This,_  
_It feels so good to have Shinju back in town, especially since she seems very excited about meeting my parents. Well, her reaction was more of "It's about damn time!" but you get the point. I'll come back and write more after we get back from my parents' house._

_S__akumo._

_January 3 (cont.)_

_That was a disaster. No, really, it was a disaster. At first, it seemed to be going pretty smoothly, even though my mom didn't exactly look happy about her potential future daughter-in-law being a fighter, even if she was only in a local militia, even though she loves Akari, who is the same rank shinobi as I am... Father was a little more subtle about his disinterest in her, being polite enough, but my mother... It was almost embarrassing the questions she was asking Shinju. I guess because most of Shinju's friends are men (come on, her profession is filled with men. That would be what is expected) that my mother thinks she sleeps around or something. If she thought that, I guess I wouldn't care too much, but asking Shinju questions about that at dinner was... well, horrible. Shinju instantly got offended, flat out asking if my mother was calling her a whore, and my mom said "if the shoe fits"._  
_Can you see what I mean by me saying that it was a disaster? My parents are furious with me for loving such a person, I'm furious with them for treating her like they did, and Shinju... well, I don't know what she's feeling right now. She hasn't talked much since we left my parents' house._

_Sakumo_

_January 6_

_A pros and cons list about proposing to Shinju_

_Pros_  
_-Marrying someone I adore_  
_-I think she would say yes._  
_-She would move to Konoha._  
_-She'd have the chance to become a shinobi like she's always wanted to._  
_-I'd get to have sex with her (I can't believe that's a factor... but come on. It is.)_  
_-We would probably have children, which would be definitely interesting..._

_Cons_  
_-My parents despise her._  
_-There is the slightest possibility that she'll say no._  
_-I feel as though any child of hers will probably be rambunctious._  
_-I'm not sure how other people in Konoha would handle her._

_A pros and cons list about marrying Akari_

_Pros_  
_-It will be definite because our parents have pretty much planned it already._  
_-She already lives in Konoha._  
_-My parents would be happy._

_Cons_  
_-I don't love her._  
_-I wouldn't be able to be with Shinju anymore._

_January 9_

_Dear Whoever Is Reading This,_  
_Well, I did it. I proposed to Shinju and she said yes. I went and told my parents and it was far from good. My mother cried and my father yelled at me for making my mother cry. I don't know how I feel about this just yet._

_Sakumo._

_January 15_  
_Dear Whoever Is Reading This,_  
_I'm back to working and Shinju is back home. We decided that since my parents aren't exactly happy about all of this that she'll move to Konoha soon and we'll try to warm them to the idea a little more before actually getting married. On a lighter note, she seems to really like calling me Fiancé more than my actual name now, but that could just be because she's excited._

_Sakumo._

_February 10_  
_Dear Whoever Is Reading This,_  
_I've been much too busy to write in this recently, but as a catch up, Shinju just moved in with me and has scheduled her private test to see what rank shinobi she will become. I've never really seen her so excited about anything, except maybe something involving weaponry or blacksmithing._

_Sakumo_

_March 20_  
_Dear Whoever Is Reading this,_  
_I really don't think I've ever seen Shinju so happy. She's very much in her element in Konoha, especially with the Hokage acknowledging her talents as a weapons crafter. She's been raving about some blacksmithing area within Konoha that he's been letting her work in, yet she won't let me see anything she's been working on._  
_As far as the situation with my parents, they still aren't speaking with me, so it makes it very difficult to change their minds about her._

_Sakumo._

_April 13_  
_Dear Whoever Is Reading This,_  
_I understand now why Shinju wouldn't let me see what she'd been working on. Today she came home acting particularly giddy, only to then present me with the most beautiful tanto I have ever seen in my life. She went on to explain that it's made of a special kind of material that conducts chakra in the same way that metals conduct electricity. Even though she's a personal fan of large swords, she figured a tanto would be more practical for me._  
_I'm trying to think of a way to repay her for the blade, but she insists that it was her pleasure to make it. She went on and on about how she crafted it so carefully, making sure every detail was perfect. I love the way she can be so passionate about anything. It's one of my favorite parts of her._

_Sakumo_

_April 19_  
_Shinju went to my parents' house alone, insisting that she could convince them that our marriage would be a good thing. I'm worried about her, but she seems to think that this will work, so I'm going to trust her._  
_Sakumo_

_April 22_  
_Ever since she talked to my parents, Shinju hasn't been herself at all. Normally, I can barely even decode what she's thinking, and that hasn't changed too much, but now she's just overemotional. The only time I had ever seen her cry in my entire life was when we found her family all those years, yet within the past few days she has randomly burst into tears. Every time I try to comfort her and find out what's wrong, she just shakes her head. I wish she would tell me what's wrong, but I don't want to force her to, because I could see that causing more harm than good. No, I'll just give her a few more days to calm down, and then we'll talk._

_Sakumo_

Just like the last time Kakashi had been reading a journal, there was a letter tucked in between the pages. Without any hesitation, he pulled the worn paper out of the envelope. Unlike the last letter, this one had seemed as though it was read several times with its very prominent folds.

_Dear Sakumo,_  
_I'm sorry for being so pensive and elusive for the past few days, but I have been locked in a battle within myself. Now I've finally made my decision. I'm sure you've noticed by now that I'm gone. I cannot in good conscious marry you. As much as I love you, your parents were right when they told me you can do much better._  
_I know right now you're probably protesting because that's so like you, and I'm not embarrassed to admit that it makes me feel good to know that you don't think that, but Sakumo, unfortunately this world isn't made of just you and me. You are a very prominent shinobi in this village, and... Well, I'm an outsider. Besides you and Jiraiya, who do I know here? No one. And I hear the gossip, as I'm sure you do. The horrible things people have been saying about me. I just cannot put you through that._  
_Don't take this as me saying that I do not wish we were still marrying, because trust me, I do. I still have your ring, if you don't mind... I considered leaving it at the house, but I wanted to keep it because in my heart, we are married. I love you more than I could love anyone else, which is why I have to let you go. But, I will always be with you in the blade I made special for you. Every day I will think about you, hoping that you're still alive and well, but that will be the most contact we will have. Goodbye._  
_Love, Shinju._

Kakashi was extremely confused now. How could they have not been married? This woman was his mother, right? Maybe not. But then why would his father have all of her journals? That didn't make any sense to him.

_May 16_

_Akari and I have set our wedding date for June. My parents are thrilled and well... I guess I'm okay with it._  
_Sakumo._


	4. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Sorry for the long hiatus. I think I'm going to put all of my writing efforts into this story, so ideally, I should be updating often. I'm going to try and do weekly, or every two weeks. Enjoy :) Thank you for all the reviews, favorites, follows, or just reading. **

Chapter 3

"You seem to be convinced that this child is going to be a boy," Kakashi couldn't help but laugh as Kurenai sat in the baby's room with four different shades of blue that looked all the same to him.  
"It's because he is a boy," she said with a smile. "Come sit down with me and help me pick a color."  
"They all look the same," Kakashi insisted as he sat next to Kurenai.  
"They do not. You just aren't looking," she said back. So, trying to see the difference, Kakashi sat on the floor and stared at the almost identical colors before deciding to choose one at random.  
"What about that one?" he said, hoping that he gave the right answer. Kurenai stared at the particular color, smiling and nodding.  
"Yes, I think that's the right one. Do you want to paint today, or do you have plans?" she asked. Kakashi knew that translated to 'are you going to help you extremely pregnant wife prepare for your first child or are you going to haul yourself back up in the attic and read your father's old journals'. Even though he knew what answer she wanted to hear, she did give him a choice...  
"I was actually planning on reading today," Kakashi answered carefully, expecting rage but receiving none.  
"Alright. If that's the case, I'm going out," Kurenai said with a sigh as she got up off the floor. Kakashi knew that voice, that phrase 'going out'. She was going to go visit Asuma. It didn't bother him that she did it, only that she wouldn't admit to doing it.  
"Okay, just be careful," Kakashi said sympathetically as they parted ways. He couldn't help but wonder if Kurenai felt the same way about him as his father seemed to feel about Kakashi's mother, Akari. Through the journals he'd been reading of recent, they seemed much more like friends than anything else... No, at least not to him they weren't like that at all. He wasn't going to lie to himself and say that Kurenai loved him as much as she had loved Asuma, because it would be a lie, but there was no doubt in his mind that they loved each other. As he read his father's journals though, the last thing he saw between his father and his mother was love.

* * *

Sakumo's Blue Journal

Age 27

Location: Konoha

January 1

Dear Journal,  
Another year has passed. Hurray I guess. It's days like today, when it's snowing heavy and there's a nice fresh layer of white on everything in the village that I can't help but miss Shinju. I haven't heard from her since she left, but I think she moved back home...  
No, I'm done worrying about her. I won't waste the energy anymore. I'm just going to write her a letter, hopefully receive a response to make sure she's alive, and that'll be the end of it. I'm married now. I can't waste my time pining over someone I can't have. It isn't fair to Akari and it isn't fair to myself.  
Okay, I need to compile my thoughts for my letter. I'll just tell her that I'm over her and that I'm happily married and that I hope she's doing well. Okay. Sounds good.  
Sakumo.

January 24

Dear Journal,  
I still haven't received a response from Shinju. Maybe she's dead. I hope not.  
Sakumo.

February 10

Dear Journal,  
Still haven't heard from Shinju and now I'm worried... As much as this goes against everything I stand for, I have to make sure she's okay. I'm going to travel to her village, find her, make sure she's alive, and then come home. Akari is on an S ranked mission at the moment, so it won't be as though she'll be home soon or anything. It'll be like nothing ever happened and I can move on with my life.  
Sakumo

February 15

Dear Journal,  
I made it into her town today, and it's strange how time hasn't seemed to affect the place at all. Everything looks exactly the same as it did the day we rebuilt. I found her too, quite alive and so much more beautiful than I had allowed myself to remember. She said she never received my letter, so it must've been lost in the mail. Maybe that isn't a bad thing, since I seem to remember being somewhat cruel in it. I'm staying the night at her house and then going back home tomorrow.  
Sakumo.

February 16

Dear Journal,  
What have i done? And why is it that the only thing that's bothering me is that Akari would kill me if she found out? I should feel much more guilt…. Or at least something other than fear that Akari will never let it rest. I'll just not tell her then, but… still, I can't believe this.

I should've known it was a bad idea to stay the night with Shinju. We both should've, and I guess we both probably did, but just didn't care and were willing to face the consequences. Well, now we have consequences to face. I've cheated on my wife, and she's broken her own personal vow to stay away from me, yet neither of us feel bad about it… Maybe we are worse people than we thought we were.

Sakumo.

With a gentle clap, Kakashi closed the journal and went back downstairs to clear his mind. His brain did not want to accept it, that his father, this man who he looked up to as an idol, could have possibly cheated…. How could he do that? No, he couldn't have. That couldn't have actually happened.

Kakashi busied his mind with buying paint and starting to paint the baby's room, but it's extremely hard to not think about anything when doing such a monotonous job as painting. He wanted to read on, to see what happened next, but the fear of his image of his father being even more tarnished made him continue to run the roller over the white walls until one wall was a pale blue. He had to keep reading. He had to know what happened next, at whatever cost.

February 18th

Dear Journal,

I'm back home now, and things have fallen into the same monotonous pattern as before. Akari is home and didn't even recognize that I had been gone, which is good, but also bad. It must be the guilt speaking, telling me that I wish I had been caught, but she's so indifferent about me anyways that I'm not even sure if she'd care.

Not much else to say except that I would rather be where I was two days ago than here.

Sakumo

February 20th

Dear Journal,

I received a letter from Shinju, an apology of sorts, although it seemed extraordinarily insincere. I hid the letter in my nightstand so Akari wouldn't find it, although, once again, I'm not quite sure if she'd care or not. I'll write her back I think, just to let her know I received her letter, and then leave it at that hopefully.

Sakumo

March 18th

Dear Journal,

I've been much too busy juggling work, home, and Shinju to write, so here are some updates. Shinju and I have become… well, I don't think penpals is the proper word, but we communicate relatively often. Work has become much busier with more hostile foreign shinobi being within the area, which is leaving many people with the whispers of another great shinobi war. No one brings it up with each other because the arguments of what should be done to prevent another war are endless, and usually lead to irritation and stepped on toes. On a somewhat lighter note… well, I guess that would be a way to put it, Akari is pregnant. Our parents are happy and she's happy, so I guess that's good. I know this sounds probably very horrible, but I'm somewhat indifferent. Maybe that'll change as time progresses.

Sakumo.

March 25th

Dear Journal,

I must be a glutton for punishment. Akari is staying with her family for a few weeks, so I lied to her. I told her I had an extensive mission to go on… At least Shinju is excited to see me, and I'm more than excited to see her, not only to escape all of this mess but just because I miss her. As it sits, I think I can say now that my biggest life regret is marrying Akari. That sounds harsh, I know, but it isn't because she isn't nice. She a nice person, but just so indifferent to almost everything. Shinju is so passionate and excited about even the stupidest of things, that it's a breath of fresh air to be around her. True, maybe her excitement would have irritated me if we were together all of the time, but I'd take irritation over feeling absolutely nothing almost constantly. The only time I've seen Akari excited about anything since we've been married is the baby, and I'm happy for her in that aspect. Maybe that will give her something to occupy her time with, as cruel as that sounds.

Sakumo.

April 14

Dear Journal,

I'm back from Shinju's and Akari still isn't home. I haven't been able to find her within Konoha, so I'm not quite sure why yet, but I'll write it in when I find out. I forgot to bring my journal with me to Shinju's, so I wasn't able to say exactly what was happening, but I will just say before I go find Akari that it felt like how I would imagine life being now if we had been married. It's disappointing to be back home.

Sakumo

April 15th

Dear Journal,

While I was away, Akari miscarried. She's been bedridden at her parents' house since, which was why I was unable to find her. I've spent hours trying to coax her out of her room, to get her to come home, but all she does is cry and refuse. As sickening as this sounds, it almost feels good to see her actually feeling emotions, although the reason behind it is very sad. I'm not as broken up over the situation, obviously, and if anything, what I feel is sympathy for her. I can tell that it's irritating her that I'm not weeping alongside her, but I'm not going to pretend that I'm feeling something I'm not. I already do that for everything else and I'm not that good of an actor.

Sakumo

April 21st

Dear Journal,

Akari is finally back home and has gone from being extremely depressed to constantly trying to get me to sleep with her. I'm assuming it's because she wants to have another baby, but I think she's moving a bit too fast for her own good, so I'm working a lot more to avoid her. She's smart though, so I don't know how long avoiding her will work.

Sakumo

May 15th

Dear Journal,

Akari's pregnant again, no surprise. She isn't as excited and happy as last time, but at least she's out of my hair and not constantly bothering me. Goodness, that sounds horrible. I guess that since I thought it though, that makes me relatively horrible as well. I guess I can live with that.

Sakumo

June 3rd

Dear Journal,

Akari miscarried again. Instead of moping and becoming extremely depressing, she's turned into a raging bitch. When she isn't yelling at me about something miniscule to life (for example, I think I left my shoes off the matt and she spent at least an hour yelling at me about it), she's out throwing shuriken at targets or training. From what I've heard from other people, I'm not the only one being constantly chewed out by her.

Sakumo

* * *

"Kakashi? Did you start painting?" Kurenai asked from downstairs, making Kakashi close his father's journal and come down.

"Yeah, I hope that's alright. I was clearing my-" he started until he saw her face. Her eyes were filled up somewhat as she stared over at him. "What's the matter?"

"Sorry, over emotional from the hormones," she said in a weepy voice as she rubbed her eyes with her shirt sleeve. "Thank you for painting."

"No problem," he said, still slightly concerned, but letting it go for the moment.


End file.
